Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in ashes in the afterlife's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, October 3rd, 2009
11:14 pm	i feel like shit. and my constant debbie downer-ism is making me hate myself. how much longer can this last? (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 29th, 2009
5:34 pm	it was a good day. no sadness, only occasionally flashes of rage. (Comment on this)
Monday, September 28th, 2009
11:05 pm	sitting in gabe's room with him and marina, bundled up in a massive grey scarf while they do work like good grad students and i ponder on the ledge, a blanket wrapped around my legs, the sound of bret pacing the hallways and clicking open beer cans every so often. all day long my heart hurt, but now there's just a strange twinge in my stomach and a soft, floating quality to the edges of my vision. the world was so beautiful this afternoon; i sat outside the department, smoked, and watched a countless number of yellow leaves hurl themselves from their branches, the sun flirting around my face and a cold, cold breeze on my back. i spoke so much in class today, thrust myself into social situation after social situation because for some reason, speech enabled me to do something other than just sit there, mute and sad, a pathetic ball of longing, regret, and finality. speech breaks the heartache, forces me to forget for a few moments the situations that make me want to disappear entirely or else give up and compromise everything i believe in. (but i won't) was up to my old tricks again last night. got monumentally wasted and tried to replace one body with another on the lords day. how apt. it's strange, the logics of longing and particularity, how one warm spot on the bed can be so easily occupied by another, my head rising and falling on another chest in a familiar pattern, and yet it wasn't the same, couldn't be, the limbs a millimeter askew, the grip not tight enough, the smell so foreign and unfamiliar and unsettling. nothing's right these days. i hurt one of my closest friends in this selfish daze and all i can do is wait it out, patiently, as she recovers and (hopefully) learns to trust me again. its all fucked, and the fact that i am back again, a year and a half later, spouting the same tired sentiments makes me question again what it means to be twenty-three (twenty-three now!) and angsty, no more comprehending of how love works or any of those things, clueless as i was at eighteen with nothing more to show for it but a few more memories and a few more scars. is this growing up? (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, September 27th, 2009
2:02 pm	Look out There's danger and disease, danger and disease Danger in the street that you can't see To the left and to the right Take two steps back and you might To the left and to the right Take two steps back and you might Well it's a long way on from now If you don't know what is right Now that you've gone and set a fire We'll watch it burn until tomorrow We could kiss all night again If you don't know what is right Then go and set a fire Then watch it burn until tomorrow It's a long way on from now If you don't know what is right Now that you've gone and set a fire Let's watch it burn until tomorrow The world is in danger, danger The world is in danger Burn the fire, just burn the fire Burn it, burn it, burn it The world is in danger of disease Burn it Hey, what's up Burn it, burn it The world is in danger of disease The world is in danger of disease Burn it, burn it, burn it Ashes to ashes, dust to dust The world is in danger of disease Burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it Current Music: heartsrevolution (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 19th, 2009
5:46 pm	there is nothing so terrible as being patient, as training yourself to be patient when all you want to do is hurl yourself into the obstacle and demand everything, all answers, all negotiations, all sentiments nownownow (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 2nd, 2009
7:06 pm	oh p i wonder if the determined pursuit of the new, or perhaps rather the return to an idealized state of the old, means that all things contemporary must be sloughed off, as if you who has only known me as i am now, has only desired to know me as i am now, with no concept of history or intentions, who truthfully has kept me as i have been now (only wanted or inspired to keep me as i am now), could ever fit into this new-old worldview or simply be the stone chained 'round my waist (Comment on this)
3:05 pm	i'm back. i dreamt last night that i was wandering home in some distorted westphillycarmelmashup of suburban houses and citystreets and i was carrying a heavy, red backpack and trying to sneak into k's basement (i had remembered that it was always well stocked with soft drinks) only to find that he and his jealous girlfriend were there and there was much awkwardness and playacting and i pretended to be visiting only to brush my teeth and then moved on to pass a mansionclub that was filled with the rainbowstripes of westphillygenderqueerkids and i wanted to stay and dance but somehow i knew that i needed to move on and that is where the memory of lastnight stops but. i am feeling more like myself again today, the old me from years and years back, as if the fog of the last year were somehow lifted and i am feeling and believing as i did. less interested in bullshit, less interested in selling myself short, ready to take on everything and feeling good and happy like something new (so many possibilities out there!) is actually on the horizon. is this what having hope again means? so strange to think of all the ridiculousness you put up with if only because you say you believe in some future potential but really its only because you believe you deserve it. but you don't. and thats the truth that keeps you from keeping yourself down. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, June 12th, 2009
2:23 am	this site is beautiful, pathetic, and heartbreaking. go now. omegle.com (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 22nd, 2009
1:37 am	ah. so. i just realized that the reason i don't write poetry anymore is because i don't care about anything or anyone enough to do so. Current Mood: blank (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 15th, 2009
12:08 am	thoughts thoughts thoughts for the last week or so i've been going through old entries on this lj (which i've had since 2004! am i really that old now? has it really been that long?) and all i can do is feel sad and nostalgic when i read how i used to be and remember all these things that i'd forgotten or repressed. how was i so angsty (and so angsty so often)? so open with writing anything and everything that was going on? i'm almost confused as to how i seemed to have felt so deeply, how it was even possible when these days i don't know that i feel too much at all or perhaps am loath to write it all down and admit to it. the last two years, i've kept most things close to my chest and i don't know if it's because i don't need to constantly say what's going on to validate my experience or if i'm too afraid to put myself out there to feel and let others know what i'm feeling. on the one hand, i think it's a marker of growth/maturity that i'm not so self-indulgent, but on the other, if closing myself off and being afraid to feel is what growing up is, then shit, i don't want to do that at all. i feel like i'm in the middle of another growing crisis and, once again, i'm stuck. i'm on a path with a plan, a six year plan in fact, and i'm headed straight to a set career in academia that leads on and on and on through adjunct and tenure, conferences and paper presentations, and so on and so forth. but sometimes i look at the people around me and how they approach things and think goddamn, this is not where i want to be. my life is not academia, this is just one part of my life. this does not fill every waking thought in my head, is not everything to me, will never be everything to me. and that's how i want it. i can't tell if i'm just trying to avoid growing up, but whatever it is, i've been especially resistant to playing the game. i want to be back in college, be a freshmen again, miserable and angsty sure, but with so much possibility and room to play. how am i twenty-two? where did the time go? and why do i feel like i'm still as confused now as i was then? which i guess is all to say that life still bewilders me and i'm finally admitting that again, now that i'm in the place of beginning a new journey again and still as unclear as to where it is that i'm going as i was four years ago and four years ago before that. Current Mood: nostalgic/bemused (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, March 8th, 2008
1:35 am	cracked out entry i am like so fucking paralyzed by senioritis or something. i've had literally ALL DAY to work on this damned paper, and i literally just started. it was due at midnight. it's now 1:30. i hope my prof takes pity on me and accepts the 3am bullshit that i will inevitably turn into her ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhwtf Edit AND NOW MY ROOMMATE IS HAVING LOUD SEX WITH HIS GF. THANKS GUYSSSSSS (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, November 9th, 2007
7:59 pm	I am wavering between extremely giddy happiness and extremely total wtfness Happy stuff first: I got one of three Swarthmore nominations for the Keasbey! The scholarship pays for 1-2 years of grad school in England (for me specifically the Women's Studies MSt at Oxford) Wtfness: The Keasbey invites four schools every year to nominate three people. Of these twelve students, three will get the scholarship. Sounds like great odds, EXCEPT THE OTHER THREE SCHOOLS THIS YEAR: Princeton, Amherst, Yale. Uh yeah. Thanks life. (21 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, November 2nd, 2007
3:42 am	i heart my roommate if only because she enables my drunken ridiculousness by providing me with a photobooth AND her bra (caption: but i am miiiiinnie mouse!) full madness up on facebook. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, October 27th, 2007
1:36 pm	glam REDUX (last coming out week party at swat. TEAR) ( Why yes, I AM wearing a gold sequin dress ) (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 24th, 2007
11:02 pm	ah yes, that would be me guess who's going to see the spice girls in february....!!!!! Current Mood: CULTURAL MOMENT (9 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, October 18th, 2007
11:20 pm	sigh if only fall break always looked like this (9 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, October 6th, 2007
11:16 am	i say yes when i ought to say no Last night was: party at the Barn (swigging champagne and eating the most delicious mango-cilantro-tomato-onion salsa, dancing to the lovely Miz Winehouse, and way too many fire escape cigarettes and gossip and thesis talk), SAO party (really just outside of the party except for rushing in for the Fateful Last Dance with Dwight and Ethan; discussing Kristeva's maternal authority and biopower with Dennis, attempting to eat the middle of pretzels without breaking the outside -an impossible task, really, try it sometime-, a sea of broken goldfish -no worries, of the cracker variety- forlornly scattered along the walkway, the formation of the Swarthmore Escort Service (SES) aka six kind boys willing to walk girls home in the scary night fog but by walk I really mean convince them to go to the Barn for further fun times, the Barn -yet again; highlight this time: attempting to extricate someone who had decided to lock himself in the bathroom for purposes of sleeping in the tub-, breaking into the still-being-constructed Newer Dorm -who knew that all you had to do was push aside the chain-link fence?-, and finally the actual escorting home by SES. In bed by: 5:10 am.) Today: GRE work! Lacan reading (and alas, so much more)! Planning for a paper! EEEEK! (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 22nd, 2007
9:47 am	!!!!!!!!!!!!! i got it! i got the internal nomination for the marshall! i survived the scary poli sci/poli sci-gender studies/english/physics/classics-philosophy committee-panel of profs interviewing! and best part yet: rory got it too!!!! our apartment is an academic/intellectual powerhouse! (or just really british) YAY!!!!!! (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, September 17th, 2007
8:10 pm	So the anniversary dinner was at Morimoto's (yes, my favorite Iron Chef whose first restaurant conveniently is in Philly), where I finally got to cross kobe (wagyu to be more specific) beef off my list of things-to-eat. Thoughts: 1) Kobe = overrated, which makes me sad because all those years of drooling over the NYTimes restaurant reviews and for what? Slightly more tender beef at a mucho hefty price 2) Morimotos = delicious, but also overpriced considering. I think that my appreciation for Margaret Kuo's grew by leaps and bounds. Buuut the company was good (haha) and it was a lovely time regardless. Next up: The rest of the Iron Chefs! (Though the prospect of traveling to Japan just to dine at their restaurants is a tad bit ridiculous) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 12th, 2007
7:59 pm	oh goodness So out of shame from the wonderful responses I got from the last entry, I've decided to quickly update you guys on what's been up with me so far. Classes: I'm loving my classes this semester. I'm doing my thesis (and I finally know how to ground the third chapter! Hooray!), an honors seminar in Nationalisms and Citizenships, French Critical Cultural Theory (disgustingly sick reading like Kristeva, Lacan, etc. etc. in my future), and Futures of Feminism. Academics in general: I'm applying for a Marshall Scholarship for a Masters in Postcolonial Studies and another one in Gender and Culture at Goldsmiths in London. Current goal: to get the Swarthmore internal nomination (fingers crossed!) Other: -Still haven't studied for the GRE (FUCK) -Decided on more grad school programs (Strangely enough, UPenn's English program has jumped to the lead since Ania Loomba is there -and apparently like BFF with one of my recommenders- and David Eng -aka the most awesome guy in Asian-American studies cos he does psychoanalytic theory- just moved from Rutgers) -Nick and my two year anniversary is this Saturday. Tentative plan: MORIMOTO'S (YAAAAY IRON CHEF!) (8 Comments |Comment on this)