This illusion has lost itself in its sincerity

Sun, 04 Oct 2009 03:14:47 GMT

i feel like shit. and my constant debbie downer-ism is making me hate myself. how much longer can this last?

Tue, 29 Sep 2009 21:35:09 GMT

it was a good day. no sadness, only occasionally flashes of rage.

Tue, 29 Sep 2009 03:55:57 GMT

sitting in gabe's room with him and marina, bundled up in a massive grey scarf while they do work like good grad students and i ponder on the ledge, a blanket wrapped around my legs, the sound of bret pacing the hallways and clicking open beer cans every so often. all day long my heart hurt, but now there's just a strange twinge in my stomach and a soft, floating quality to the edges of my vision. the world was so beautiful this afternoon; i sat outside the department, smoked, and watched a countless number of yellow leaves hurl themselves from their branches, the sun flirting around my face and a cold, cold breeze on my back.

i spoke so much in class today, thrust myself into social situation after social situation because for some reason, speech enabled me to do something other than just sit there, mute and sad, a pathetic ball of longing, regret, and finality. speech breaks the heartache, forces me to forget for a few moments the situations that make me want to disappear entirely or else give up and compromise everything i believe in. (but i won't)

was up to my old tricks again last night. got monumentally wasted and tried to replace one body with another on the lords day. how apt. it's strange, the logics of longing and particularity, how one warm spot on the bed can be so easily occupied by another, my head rising and falling on another chest in a familiar pattern, and yet it wasn't the same, couldn't be, the limbs a millimeter askew, the grip not tight enough, the smell so foreign and unfamiliar and unsettling. nothing's right these days. i hurt one of my closest friends in this selfish daze and all i can do is wait it out, patiently, as she recovers and (hopefully) learns to trust me again.

its all fucked, and the fact that i am back again, a year and a half later, spouting the same tired sentiments makes me question again what it means to be twenty-three (twenty-three now!) and angsty, no more comprehending of how love works or any of those things, clueless as i was at eighteen with nothing more to show for it but a few more memories and a few more scars. is this growing up?

Sun, 27 Sep 2009 18:04:06 GMT

Look out
There's danger and disease, danger and disease
Danger in the street that you can't see
To the left and to the right
Take two steps back and you might

To the left and to the right
Take two steps back and you might

Well it's a long way on from now
If you don't know what is right
Now that you've gone and set a fire
We'll watch it burn until tomorrow

We could kiss all night again
If you don't know what is right
Then go and set a fire
Then watch it burn until tomorrow

It's a long way on from now
If you don't know what is right
Now that you've gone and set a fire
Let's watch it burn until tomorrow

The world is in danger, danger
The world is in danger
Burn the fire, just burn the fire
Burn it, burn it, burn it

The world is in danger of disease
Burn it
Hey, what's up
Burn it, burn it

The world is in danger of disease
The world is in danger of disease
Burn it, burn it, burn it

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust
The world is in danger of disease
Burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it

Sat, 19 Sep 2009 21:47:32 GMT

there is nothing so terrible as being patient, as training yourself to be patient when all you want to do is hurl yourself into the obstacle and demand everything, all answers, all negotiations, all sentiments nownownow

oh p

Wed, 02 Sep 2009 23:13:55 GMT

i wonder if the determined pursuit of the new, or perhaps rather the return to an idealized state of the old, means that all things contemporary must be sloughed off, as if you who has only known me as i am now, has only desired to know me as i am now, with no concept of history or intentions, who truthfully has kept me as i have been now (only wanted or inspired to keep me as i am now), could ever fit into this new-old worldview or simply be the stone chained 'round my waist

i'm back.

Wed, 02 Sep 2009 19:13:47 GMT

i dreamt last night that i was wandering home in some distorted westphillycarmelmashup of suburban houses and citystreets and i was carrying a heavy, red backpack and trying to sneak into k's basement (i had remembered that it was always well stocked with soft drinks) only to find that he and his jealous girlfriend were there and there was much awkwardness and playacting and i pretended to be visiting only to brush my teeth and then moved on to pass a mansionclub that was filled with the rainbowstripes of westphillygenderqueerkids and i wanted to stay and dance but somehow i knew that i needed to move on

and that is where the memory of lastnight stops but. i am feeling more like myself again today, the old me from years and years back, as if the fog of the last year were somehow lifted and i am feeling and believing as i did. less interested in bullshit, less interested in selling myself short, ready to take on everything and feeling good and happy like something new (so many possibilities out there!) is actually on the horizon. is this what having hope again means? so strange to think of all the ridiculousness you put up with if only because you say you believe in some future potential but really its only because you believe you deserve it. but you don't. and thats the truth that keeps you from keeping yourself down.

Fri, 12 Jun 2009 06:23:00 GMT

this site is beautiful, pathetic, and heartbreaking. go now.

omegle.com

ah. so.

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 05:38:36 GMT

i just realized that the reason i don't write poetry anymore is because i don't care about anything or anyone enough to do so.

thoughts thoughts thoughts

Wed, 15 Apr 2009 04:29:41 GMT

for the last week or so i've been going through old entries on this lj (which i've had since 2004! am i really that old now? has it really been that long?) and all i can do is feel sad and nostalgic when i read how i used to be and remember all these things that i'd forgotten or repressed. how was i so angsty (and so angsty so often)? so open with writing anything and everything that was going on? i'm almost confused as to how i seemed to have felt so deeply, how it was even possible when these days i don't know that i feel too much at all or perhaps am loath to write it all down and admit to it.

the last two years, i've kept most things close to my chest and i don't know if it's because i don't need to constantly say what's going on to validate my experience or if i'm too afraid to put myself out there to feel and let others know what i'm feeling. on the one hand, i think it's a marker of growth/maturity that i'm not so self-indulgent, but on the other, if closing myself off and being afraid to feel is what growing up is, then shit, i don't want to do that at all.

i feel like i'm in the middle of another growing crisis and, once again, i'm stuck. i'm on a path with a plan, a six year plan in fact, and i'm headed straight to a set career in academia that leads on and on and on through adjunct and tenure, conferences and paper presentations, and so on and so forth. but sometimes i look at the people around me and how they approach things and think goddamn, this is not where i want to be. my life is not academia, this is just one part of my life. this does not fill every waking thought in my head, is not everything to me, will never be everything to me. and that's how i want it.

i can't tell if i'm just trying to avoid growing up, but whatever it is, i've been especially resistant to playing the game. i want to be back in college, be a freshmen again, miserable and angsty sure, but with so much possibility and room to play. how am i twenty-two? where did the time go? and why do i feel like i'm still as confused now as i was then?

which i guess is all to say that life still bewilders me and i'm finally admitting that again, now that i'm in the place of beginning a new journey again and still as unclear as to where it is that i'm going as i was four years ago and four years ago before that.

cracked out entry

Sat, 08 Mar 2008 06:36:28 GMT

i am like so fucking paralyzed by senioritis or something. i've had literally ALL DAY to work on this damned paper, and i literally just started. it was due at midnight. it's now 1:30. i hope my prof takes pity on me and accepts the 3am bullshit that i will inevitably turn into her

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhwtf

Edit AND NOW MY ROOMMATE IS HAVING LOUD SEX WITH HIS GF. THANKS GUYSSSSSS

Sat, 10 Nov 2007 01:06:22 GMT

I am wavering between extremely giddy happiness and extremely total wtfness

Happy stuff first: I got one of three Swarthmore nominations for the Keasbey! The scholarship pays for 1-2 years of grad school in England (for me specifically the Women's Studies MSt at Oxford)

Wtfness: The Keasbey invites four schools every year to nominate three people. Of these twelve students, three will get the scholarship. Sounds like great odds, EXCEPT THE OTHER THREE SCHOOLS THIS YEAR: Princeton, Amherst, Yale.

Uh yeah. Thanks life.

i heart my roommate

Fri, 02 Nov 2007 07:43:16 GMT

if only because she enables my drunken ridiculousness by providing me with a photobooth AND her bra

(caption: but i am miiiiinnie mouse!)

full madness up on facebook.

glam REDUX

Sat, 27 Oct 2007 17:39:48 GMT

(last coming out week party at swat. TEAR)

Best makeup

Best glam costumes

Best AA advertisement for gold lame

Best sexypose

Best go home

ah yes, that would be me

Thu, 25 Oct 2007 03:02:30 GMT

guess who's going to see the spice girls in february....!!!!!

sigh

Fri, 19 Oct 2007 03:22:16 GMT

if only fall break always looked like this

i say yes when i ought to say no

Sat, 06 Oct 2007 15:20:18 GMT

Last night was: party at the Barn (swigging champagne and eating the most delicious mango-cilantro-tomato-onion salsa, dancing to the lovely Miz Winehouse, and way too many fire escape cigarettes and gossip and thesis talk), SAO party (really just outside of the party except for rushing in for the Fateful Last Dance with Dwight and Ethan; discussing Kristeva's maternal authority and biopower with Dennis, attempting to eat the middle of pretzels without breaking the outside -an impossible task, really, try it sometime-, a sea of broken goldfish -no worries, of the cracker variety- forlornly scattered along the walkway, the formation of the Swarthmore Escort Service (SES) aka six kind boys willing to walk girls home in the scary night fog but by walk I really mean convince them to go to the Barn for further fun times, the Barn -yet again; highlight this time: attempting to extricate someone who had decided to lock himself in the bathroom for purposes of sleeping in the tub-, breaking into the still-being-constructed Newer Dorm -who knew that all you had to do was push aside the chain-link fence?-, and finally the actual escorting home by SES. In bed by: 5:10 am.)

Today: GRE work! Lacan reading (and alas, so much more)! Planning for a paper! EEEEK!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sat, 22 Sep 2007 13:48:45 GMT

i got it! i got the internal nomination for the marshall! i survived the scary poli sci/poli sci-gender studies/english/physics/classics-philosophy committee-panel of profs interviewing!

and best part yet: rory got it too!!!!

our apartment is an academic/intellectual powerhouse!

(or just really british)

YAY!!!!!!

Tue, 18 Sep 2007 00:13:44 GMT

So the anniversary dinner was at Morimoto's (yes, my favorite Iron Chef whose first restaurant conveniently is in Philly), where I finally got to cross kobe (wagyu to be more specific) beef off my list of things-to-eat.

Thoughts:
1) Kobe = overrated, which makes me sad because all those years of drooling over the NYTimes restaurant reviews and for what? Slightly more tender beef at a mucho hefty price
2) Morimotos = delicious, but also overpriced considering. I think that my appreciation for Margaret Kuo's grew by leaps and bounds.

Buuut the company was good (haha) and it was a lovely time regardless.

Next up: The rest of the Iron Chefs! (Though the prospect of traveling to Japan just to dine at their restaurants is a tad bit ridiculous)

oh goodness

Thu, 13 Sep 2007 00:03:44 GMT

So out of shame from the wonderful responses I got from the last entry, I've decided to quickly update you guys on what's been up with me so far.

Classes:
I'm loving my classes this semester. I'm doing my thesis (and I finally know how to ground the third chapter! Hooray!), an honors seminar in Nationalisms and Citizenships, French Critical Cultural Theory (disgustingly sick reading like Kristeva, Lacan, etc. etc. in my future), and Futures of Feminism.

Academics in general:
I'm applying for a Marshall Scholarship for a Masters in Postcolonial Studies and another one in Gender and Culture at Goldsmiths in London. Current goal: to get the Swarthmore internal nomination (fingers crossed!)

Other:
-Still haven't studied for the GRE (FUCK)
-Decided on more grad school programs (Strangely enough, UPenn's English program has jumped to the lead since Ania Loomba is there -and apparently like BFF with one of my recommenders- and David Eng -aka the most awesome guy in Asian-American studies cos he does psychoanalytic theory- just moved from Rutgers)
-Nick and my two year anniversary is this Saturday. Tentative plan: MORIMOTO'S (YAAAAY IRON CHEF!)

Wed, 12 Sep 2007 01:03:42 GMT

it's so strange, china has conditioned me to the point that when i want to post a blog about something, i do it on myspace.

hi friendslist. is anyone still here?

so i went and did it

Sun, 19 Aug 2007 17:25:31 GMT

nerdiest tat ever? oh yes. but it brings me joy.

greenpuke part II

Wed, 15 Aug 2007 19:45:05 GMT

(pg. 330)

"Among them we met rock and roll insider Hank Harrison and his ten-year-old daughter Love Michelle. Harrison was a fast-talking impresario who claimed to be a former manager of the Grateful Dead. On the way to lunch, his daughter sang songs with Mel in the cab and told him she had changed her name to "Courtney."

I WONDER WHO THAT COULD BE. DID THE AUTHOR REALLY JUST DROP THAT LITTLE NUGGET OF POP CULTURE IN THERE????

Tue, 22 May 2007 17:45:14 GMT

Hey guys, I leave for Beijing tomorrow, and apparently the Chinese government has blocked livejournal, so yeah...

Hopefully more updates via facebook and myspace (if they work!). If not, see you guys mid-July, and I hope you have a great summer!

yes i'd like some cheese

Fri, 06 Apr 2007 23:03:52 GMT

(with my whine) Anyways, school is dragging on in the most awful way. Professor Lakey upped my hours to...apparently unlimited a week (though he expects at least 15), which makes me go eek, I can't possibly do this. Also, I'm sleeping and tired all of the time (possibly mono?), but more importantly:

1) THESIS PROPOSAL. DUE MONDAY. AM FUCKED. (Like, really, how am I supposed to muster up enough whatever-it-is to draw it out for longer than 1 page? I can write my thesis proposal in freaking three sentences: "I wish to examine the intersections between feminism, postcoloniality, and postmodernism with a specific focus on the question of solidarity and activism. I will read lots and lots of headsplitting books to do this. The end.")<--yes, "the end" counts as one of my sentences.

2) Research paper proposal, Tuesday, 3-5 pages for my Women's Studies class. Only since I'm a moron, I decided to write about feminism and postmodernism. I've been reading books and making notes all afternoon. OK I GET IT GUYS, POMO CHALLENGES THE IDEA OF A SINGLE EPISTEMOLOGICAL TRUTH WHICH FUCKS REPRESENTATION/FOCUSING ON GENDER WHICH FUCKS FEMINISM AS AN ACTUAL POLITICAL PRACTICE. NOW WHAT?

...

Exactly. I hate my life.